I know what you are thinking and no the title has nothing to do with what you initially thought. Silly people....I'm talking about Chasey's night time blood glucose readings.
We are 8 days into the new year and it has yet to disappoint. Morgan is due to get her cast off the beginning of February, so bonus. Tristan and James are getting lots of boarding time on the mountains and Chasey is, well Chasey. With this one small but insistent problem....NIGHT TIME NUMBERS FROM HELL.
I don't get it...every thing was just sailing right along. We were to the endo the beginning of December and everything looked good, a few minor adjustments and we were off again. Christimas went good. No trips to the hospital to boot. But then these numbers appeared.
We head to bed with a great number, 7 or 8 some thing. The 11 check is hit and miss now. Some times it's great and some times its unexplainable high. Then it just proceeds to creep up and up all night. We correct and it lowers just to start to rise again.
Four or five nights of this craziness and I mentioned it to a friend, who also has a T1 and she concluded the same thing as me...Our night time basal is off. WAY off by the looks of it. Suckie. Good, a theory. Now to solve the issue. Change the basal. Got it. But oh wait. We don't do that without talking to the end. Some may be asking why right about now. Chasey has been on the pump long enough. I certainly know how to change a basal rate, I just don't. I'm CHICKEN. There I confused it. Chicken.
Our endo office has been closed since before Christmas and they don't reopen until tomorrow (along with vacation, they were upgrading their computer system or something). SO we check and check and recheck every night and correct, trying to keep the issue at bay until I can reach the professionals for help.
Through it all I have realized a couple of things:
1. I'm glad that my husband is a night person and doesn't require as much sleep as me. He gets up and checks several times so that I can sleep.
2. I need to give myself permission to make changes. Lots of other parents do it. I know how to do it. I need to have confidence in my ability and knowledge.
3. I'm thankful to have a friend that gets it, part and parcel. She listens, she understands and she gives helpful feedback. Not everyone has that, and I know how lucky Chasey and I am to have another child and mom and lives it too and supports us.
Tonight we will download Chasey's numbers. I will put on a new site and maybe a sensor just to see where things are going crazy. The, maybe just then, I will tweak her basal. I will email the endo in the morning and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. We will just change the basal again. That my friend is the beauty of the pump. I guess there's nothing like starting the new year on a high.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Out with the Old...
As another new year is upon us, I am excited at it's new and exciting possibilities. Don't get me wrong 2011 wasn't horribly horrible. It wasn't even half bad...but I am looking forward to a fresh canvas, if you will.
There are many great things happening for us in the new year. I am heading back to school. This in of itself brings many emotions. I am very excited. I have waited a long time to do this. I am even so little worried that it will bring too much to our house. That perhaps I won't be able to manage everything. I am looking forward to what this initial step will mean in the end. I'm overjoyed at the big picture.
James is moving right along at work. Not only did he get a promotion but he is being presented an award in February as well.
The kids are forever moving forward. Morgan will turn 11 and start middle school in September. A huge transition for any child. One that I am sure she will totally ROCK. Tristan will turn 10 and start grade 5. I am sure he will tackle the challenge of that, just as he did grade 4. Chasey will be 8 this year. I can't believe that my youngest is so quickly approaching double digits. I am sad. But happy too that they are growing into such wonderful, caring little people.
I have many wishes and hopes for the new year.
1. I wish all my friends and family the best health and great happiness.
2. I wish my children productive days at school, filled with confidence and self evolvement.
3. I wish my husband continued good fortune at work.
4. I wish my friends good fortune.
5. I hope for myself, a year filled with self improvement and achievement.
My last wish and hope is huge. I wish for advancements in diabetes care and management. I even silently and with held breath wish for a cure. Until that happens I wish for Chasey to continue in good health. I wish for a diabetes complication free year. I am thankful for her amazing team that helps to care for her. And I am grateful for all the people that support me daily on this never ending and sometimes gruelling journey. My wish for 2012 is that we can ban together and make a difference. My wish is for Chasey to one day never have to poke again, or do a site change again. But for now all that I ask is for her to be safe and continue to grow despite this obstacle. That is my wish for all type ones.
So as this year draws to a close. I will be surrounded by family and friends. I am grateful. I am content. I will look towards the new year with hope, excitement and anticipation...with a small sadness of what was this year. Happy New Year.
There are many great things happening for us in the new year. I am heading back to school. This in of itself brings many emotions. I am very excited. I have waited a long time to do this. I am even so little worried that it will bring too much to our house. That perhaps I won't be able to manage everything. I am looking forward to what this initial step will mean in the end. I'm overjoyed at the big picture.
James is moving right along at work. Not only did he get a promotion but he is being presented an award in February as well.
The kids are forever moving forward. Morgan will turn 11 and start middle school in September. A huge transition for any child. One that I am sure she will totally ROCK. Tristan will turn 10 and start grade 5. I am sure he will tackle the challenge of that, just as he did grade 4. Chasey will be 8 this year. I can't believe that my youngest is so quickly approaching double digits. I am sad. But happy too that they are growing into such wonderful, caring little people.
I have many wishes and hopes for the new year.
1. I wish all my friends and family the best health and great happiness.
2. I wish my children productive days at school, filled with confidence and self evolvement.
3. I wish my husband continued good fortune at work.
4. I wish my friends good fortune.
5. I hope for myself, a year filled with self improvement and achievement.
My last wish and hope is huge. I wish for advancements in diabetes care and management. I even silently and with held breath wish for a cure. Until that happens I wish for Chasey to continue in good health. I wish for a diabetes complication free year. I am thankful for her amazing team that helps to care for her. And I am grateful for all the people that support me daily on this never ending and sometimes gruelling journey. My wish for 2012 is that we can ban together and make a difference. My wish is for Chasey to one day never have to poke again, or do a site change again. But for now all that I ask is for her to be safe and continue to grow despite this obstacle. That is my wish for all type ones.
So as this year draws to a close. I will be surrounded by family and friends. I am grateful. I am content. I will look towards the new year with hope, excitement and anticipation...with a small sadness of what was this year. Happy New Year.
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
TA-DUH
Well I am happy to report that all went well with our halloween. The weather held out and there was no rain. It was chilly but not freezing. The kids were able to go out with their friends and everyone brought home their fair share of candy.
On the diabetes home front, the day was a success as well. Our highest number was 9.8. That included parties at school, treats endless from about 3:00pm onward and skipping supper due to too much excitement. Way to go Chasey.
On the heels of a very exciting and fun filled night, comes the month of November and with it brings a subject near and dear to our family. It's diabetes awareness month. That's right, a whole month dedicated to diabetes.
I do find it a tad ironic that this event follows the night where kids go out and knock on strangers doors for candy, which is filled with sugar. I only find this ironic because it is the belief of many that diabetes can be 'caught' from consuming too much sugar, and this is not the cause with type 1.
So in support of this awareness campaign I will blog regularly this month about our life, in which lives diabetes. Not all the post will be exciting or directly related to diabetes but it help those that don't live with it, a brief glimpse into our world.
So here's my first sharing moment. Halloween, been there, done that and bought the shirt. All well keeping it under 10....TA-DUH!
On the diabetes home front, the day was a success as well. Our highest number was 9.8. That included parties at school, treats endless from about 3:00pm onward and skipping supper due to too much excitement. Way to go Chasey.
On the heels of a very exciting and fun filled night, comes the month of November and with it brings a subject near and dear to our family. It's diabetes awareness month. That's right, a whole month dedicated to diabetes.
I do find it a tad ironic that this event follows the night where kids go out and knock on strangers doors for candy, which is filled with sugar. I only find this ironic because it is the belief of many that diabetes can be 'caught' from consuming too much sugar, and this is not the cause with type 1.
So in support of this awareness campaign I will blog regularly this month about our life, in which lives diabetes. Not all the post will be exciting or directly related to diabetes but it help those that don't live with it, a brief glimpse into our world.
So here's my first sharing moment. Halloween, been there, done that and bought the shirt. All well keeping it under 10....TA-DUH!
Monday, 24 October 2011
In the Beginning
As some of you may or may not know, November, among other things is Diabetes Awareness month. So here's a hint, I'm about to talk about diabetes and all that it entails for our family and some people that are near and dear to us. So if it's not your cup of tea, move along, there's nothing to see here.
We are nearing a day that is near and dear to our heart. Two years ago on October 30th, Chasey started to wear her medtronic insulin pump. We had been diagnosed just in March and our new endo (that we started seeing in June) thought Chasey would greatly benefit from a pump. And she was right. Our lives once again changed forever on the day that the pump came into our lives.
But let me rewind. In the beginning, March of 2009, we were given some life changing news. Chasey was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. It was and probably forever will be one of the scariest days of my life. As a mom my heart broke and a little piece of me was forever changed on that day. Now which day exactly are you wondering. I don't recall the exact day. I know it was the last Saturday of the kid's March break and the weather was nice and we had visited family that day. But the number of the day, I don't know. And truthfully to me it doesn't matter. I could go back and look it but then that would mean it's something important and I don't want to give diabetes that kind of power.
Those first few months were to say the least horrible. Some days were just dark. They were filled with tears and confusion and anger. It was constant change, with insulin and food. The schedule was rigid and not family friendly. The calls to the hospital were endless and some times just added to the confusion. We were lost. We were hurt. We were just struggling to make it through the day some times. And I learned that there are some very dark places that one can be pulled into when their life feels out of control.
We started off on shots and with time the number of shots increased. The blood sugars weren't great. We started school and things just weren't going the way we thought they would. An injection had to be given at lunch and no one at school could do it so I was over to the school, forcing Chasey to take a needle so that she could eat with her friends.
Then the heavens opened up and the angels sang and light poured down on us. It was our leap of faith and trust in our endo that propelled us into ordering an insulin pump. Now I'm not going to lie, it wasn't instantly better. It was hard in the beginning too. It was HARD. It was learning something new all over again. It's was carb counting everything. It was changing sites every three days. It was something new. But along with that came more freedom. No more injections. And Chasey learned pretty quickly how to operate the pump, maximizing her independence for her young age. Now I know the pump isn't for everyone and that's alright. Whatever works for your family is the best option. This was ours.
When I reflect on those early days several things come to mind. Yes I was scared. Yes it was hard. But we made it through. We struck together and we pushed on and we made it. I remember the hurt and anger, but it's starting to dull. I remember the dark days and I will admit they still rear their ugly head. But they are fewer and farther between now. The other thing is we have built a support system around us, a wonderful medical team, amazing friends, a supportive diabetic community and a family that loves Chasey. It's not so lonely now.
Some days are still hard. I still cry. I still mourn the lost of the perfectly health child Chasey once was. But it's okay. I got through them over two years ago and I will again and again and again. So as October 30th approaches and November quickly follows it, I will appreciate what we have been through, but mostly I will look to the future. In the beginning things were unbearable....now....not so much.
We are nearing a day that is near and dear to our heart. Two years ago on October 30th, Chasey started to wear her medtronic insulin pump. We had been diagnosed just in March and our new endo (that we started seeing in June) thought Chasey would greatly benefit from a pump. And she was right. Our lives once again changed forever on the day that the pump came into our lives.
But let me rewind. In the beginning, March of 2009, we were given some life changing news. Chasey was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. It was and probably forever will be one of the scariest days of my life. As a mom my heart broke and a little piece of me was forever changed on that day. Now which day exactly are you wondering. I don't recall the exact day. I know it was the last Saturday of the kid's March break and the weather was nice and we had visited family that day. But the number of the day, I don't know. And truthfully to me it doesn't matter. I could go back and look it but then that would mean it's something important and I don't want to give diabetes that kind of power.
Those first few months were to say the least horrible. Some days were just dark. They were filled with tears and confusion and anger. It was constant change, with insulin and food. The schedule was rigid and not family friendly. The calls to the hospital were endless and some times just added to the confusion. We were lost. We were hurt. We were just struggling to make it through the day some times. And I learned that there are some very dark places that one can be pulled into when their life feels out of control.
We started off on shots and with time the number of shots increased. The blood sugars weren't great. We started school and things just weren't going the way we thought they would. An injection had to be given at lunch and no one at school could do it so I was over to the school, forcing Chasey to take a needle so that she could eat with her friends.
Then the heavens opened up and the angels sang and light poured down on us. It was our leap of faith and trust in our endo that propelled us into ordering an insulin pump. Now I'm not going to lie, it wasn't instantly better. It was hard in the beginning too. It was HARD. It was learning something new all over again. It's was carb counting everything. It was changing sites every three days. It was something new. But along with that came more freedom. No more injections. And Chasey learned pretty quickly how to operate the pump, maximizing her independence for her young age. Now I know the pump isn't for everyone and that's alright. Whatever works for your family is the best option. This was ours.
When I reflect on those early days several things come to mind. Yes I was scared. Yes it was hard. But we made it through. We struck together and we pushed on and we made it. I remember the hurt and anger, but it's starting to dull. I remember the dark days and I will admit they still rear their ugly head. But they are fewer and farther between now. The other thing is we have built a support system around us, a wonderful medical team, amazing friends, a supportive diabetic community and a family that loves Chasey. It's not so lonely now.
Some days are still hard. I still cry. I still mourn the lost of the perfectly health child Chasey once was. But it's okay. I got through them over two years ago and I will again and again and again. So as October 30th approaches and November quickly follows it, I will appreciate what we have been through, but mostly I will look to the future. In the beginning things were unbearable....now....not so much.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
The Art of Biting One's Tongue
There has been several occurrences in my life recently, that if not rude I would have rolled my eyes and said some things that would probably have shocked the people around me. Now these words weren't profanity or anything like that. They would have just been things that people wouldn't be use to me saying, well not out loud at least.
Like for example (now mind you this is a small and useless example but it's simple and gets the point across) a telemarketer phoned yesterday. It was a Saturday morning, I had the house to myself and I was just putting around. She phones and is trying to sell me insurance. I politely listen to her sell the product and I say nicely no thank you I'm not interested. Well then she goes on to tell me well if you're not interested in that we have something else that you might like. She she proceeds to tell me all about that. Again I say no thanks. Thinking we are done the conversation I start to say good bye and she launches into a whole new selling speech. So I politely say I'm really not interested and I'm in the middle of something and I need to be going. Good bye. Total phone conversation about 8 minutes.
Now same conversation if I would have said what I wanted would have probably only totaled about 1-2 minutes. It would have went more like you call me on a Saturday and I tell you I'm not interested and you proceed to talk. Thanks for wasting my time, I'm hanging up NOW. The only hitch is I would have felt bad.
I know some of you are sitting there asking why I would have felt bad. Well I would have felt bad because 1. It would have been rude, 2. she's only trying to do her job and maybe she has a family to support, 3. If ever I had to be in her position I would like to think that people would treat me with respect.
Instead I leave the whole interaction annoyed and my head filled with less then nice things to say. But I did listen to her and I tried my hardest to be pleasant and polite to her. I also have a theory about this and was talking to my husband about it the other day. What would happen if all the sudden you just started saying all of those less then nice things floating around in your head? Our conclusion was that people would probably be taken back and caught off guard and would stand there with their mouth gapping open, just asking for you to say something more. We also concluded that when they walked away and gossiped about you later with someone else, they would say I never knew so and so was so mean, I never would have guessed that about them.
So this leaves me to believe one of two things. Either the person that coined the phrase, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all", was a saint and never had an ill thought towards anyone or about anything OR they were filled with resentment and annoyance far too early in their life from keeping it all bottled up. This leaves me with the realization that now that I have the art of biting ones tongue down, I need to learn to forgive people for making me want to say less then nice things to them. Anyone have a thought on that? Anyone?
Like for example (now mind you this is a small and useless example but it's simple and gets the point across) a telemarketer phoned yesterday. It was a Saturday morning, I had the house to myself and I was just putting around. She phones and is trying to sell me insurance. I politely listen to her sell the product and I say nicely no thank you I'm not interested. Well then she goes on to tell me well if you're not interested in that we have something else that you might like. She she proceeds to tell me all about that. Again I say no thanks. Thinking we are done the conversation I start to say good bye and she launches into a whole new selling speech. So I politely say I'm really not interested and I'm in the middle of something and I need to be going. Good bye. Total phone conversation about 8 minutes.
Now same conversation if I would have said what I wanted would have probably only totaled about 1-2 minutes. It would have went more like you call me on a Saturday and I tell you I'm not interested and you proceed to talk. Thanks for wasting my time, I'm hanging up NOW. The only hitch is I would have felt bad.
I know some of you are sitting there asking why I would have felt bad. Well I would have felt bad because 1. It would have been rude, 2. she's only trying to do her job and maybe she has a family to support, 3. If ever I had to be in her position I would like to think that people would treat me with respect.
Instead I leave the whole interaction annoyed and my head filled with less then nice things to say. But I did listen to her and I tried my hardest to be pleasant and polite to her. I also have a theory about this and was talking to my husband about it the other day. What would happen if all the sudden you just started saying all of those less then nice things floating around in your head? Our conclusion was that people would probably be taken back and caught off guard and would stand there with their mouth gapping open, just asking for you to say something more. We also concluded that when they walked away and gossiped about you later with someone else, they would say I never knew so and so was so mean, I never would have guessed that about them.
So this leaves me to believe one of two things. Either the person that coined the phrase, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all", was a saint and never had an ill thought towards anyone or about anything OR they were filled with resentment and annoyance far too early in their life from keeping it all bottled up. This leaves me with the realization that now that I have the art of biting ones tongue down, I need to learn to forgive people for making me want to say less then nice things to them. Anyone have a thought on that? Anyone?
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Standing Up Sometimes Means Standing Alone
I have often heard the saying, it's lonely at the top. I can not confirm, nor deny said statement. The main reason is I'm not at the top of anything. I'm more like on par. And I'm good with that. I do however have a thought about being alone that I would like to share.
Have you ever had something that you believe in? And I don't just mean, oh I believe in the Canucks, we will win the cup this year (yes honey, I am sure that they will win). I mean truly, unconditionally, with every fiber of your being, believe in? Something that you would defend and fight for until the end?
Chances are if you have children, there's something. As unique and special as each child is, their needs and abilities are just as unique and varying. I have three children. I love all of them dearly and would give anything for them. I also know that they don't fit into the standard box. Two need modified IEPs at school to support them in their learning (although both are super smart, they just learn different) and one requires help with testing her blood sugar and giving insulin. So outside the box we stand. Again I'm good with it.
The part that I have a problem with is, some kids need more. More support, more time, more resources. Now in a perfect world, an honest and forth coming world, all kids would get all the support they need, without judgement or hassle. However this is not the case.
In most cases if you have a child that sits even a little outside the box, you have to be present and consistent and adiment sometimes in what they need. It's tiring, it's thankless and it's emotionally draining. But for me I think the hardest part is, people that don't understand. Or that haven't had to face dealing with a child that needs more.
In my head and heart, I know what my kids need. I know what they need to be safe. I know what they need to excel. I know what I need to do to make all of this happen. Some of the time it's things that my friends or family can't understand. Some times it's things that a stranger likes to tell me that there just aren't resources for. Some times it's some thing that everyone likes to remember that there is no money in the budget for. On some rare occasions it's some thing that people would like to tell if that's the case that my child should be pulled from school and home schooled. To these people I say ignorance is bliss.
There is nothing in the world worth fighting for, if I can not fight for what I believe my kids need and in some cases are entitled to. Some parts of the journey I stand alone. There is no one to walk beside me, as my child is unique and I am fighting for what they need. Some parts of the journey I am joined by friends and family looking for some of the same things that I am, better support at school, better policies in place and an understanding and embracing community to be part of.
I believe with my every fiber that I am doing the best that I can for those that I love. Not everyone would agree with my approach or support me in my demands, but that's alright. I'm not sure if it's lonely at the top, if I ever get there I will let you know. But for now I can tell you that some times standing up for what you believe in means you stand alone. And that's alright.
Have you ever had something that you believe in? And I don't just mean, oh I believe in the Canucks, we will win the cup this year (yes honey, I am sure that they will win). I mean truly, unconditionally, with every fiber of your being, believe in? Something that you would defend and fight for until the end?
Chances are if you have children, there's something. As unique and special as each child is, their needs and abilities are just as unique and varying. I have three children. I love all of them dearly and would give anything for them. I also know that they don't fit into the standard box. Two need modified IEPs at school to support them in their learning (although both are super smart, they just learn different) and one requires help with testing her blood sugar and giving insulin. So outside the box we stand. Again I'm good with it.
The part that I have a problem with is, some kids need more. More support, more time, more resources. Now in a perfect world, an honest and forth coming world, all kids would get all the support they need, without judgement or hassle. However this is not the case.
In most cases if you have a child that sits even a little outside the box, you have to be present and consistent and adiment sometimes in what they need. It's tiring, it's thankless and it's emotionally draining. But for me I think the hardest part is, people that don't understand. Or that haven't had to face dealing with a child that needs more.
In my head and heart, I know what my kids need. I know what they need to be safe. I know what they need to excel. I know what I need to do to make all of this happen. Some of the time it's things that my friends or family can't understand. Some times it's things that a stranger likes to tell me that there just aren't resources for. Some times it's some thing that everyone likes to remember that there is no money in the budget for. On some rare occasions it's some thing that people would like to tell if that's the case that my child should be pulled from school and home schooled. To these people I say ignorance is bliss.
There is nothing in the world worth fighting for, if I can not fight for what I believe my kids need and in some cases are entitled to. Some parts of the journey I stand alone. There is no one to walk beside me, as my child is unique and I am fighting for what they need. Some parts of the journey I am joined by friends and family looking for some of the same things that I am, better support at school, better policies in place and an understanding and embracing community to be part of.
I believe with my every fiber that I am doing the best that I can for those that I love. Not everyone would agree with my approach or support me in my demands, but that's alright. I'm not sure if it's lonely at the top, if I ever get there I will let you know. But for now I can tell you that some times standing up for what you believe in means you stand alone. And that's alright.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Alright, Say it With Me....NOOOOO!
I have a problem. Well actually I have lots of problems, but that's besides the point. The problem that I am thinking about and dwelling on tonight is one that I have had for a long time. It's one that everyone knows that I have and they like to point it out to me from time to time. I can't say NO.
Well that's not entirely true. I can say it. I mean I know the word, I know the meaning and I even have a good idea of when I should use said word. BUT I don't. I don't know why this is the case. I just can't.
Sometimes when someone is asking something of me (and I really don't want to do it), I will stand there smiling at them and listening to everything they have to say. In my head I'm screaming....NO.....NO....just say it already, NO. And when they are done, my mouth opens, my logic and self preservation chant no but I spit out sure. Not just sure, sometimes it's alright, no problem, you bet, I can do that, I would love to help with that and the list goes on and on.
I often find myself wondering why it is that I have so many ways to say yes, yet can't get out no. Not even in it's simplest form. One word, two letters, so easy.
At the end of last school year I told a few of my friends that I was going to work on this issue. And I was. Honest. Scouts honour (never mind the fact I'm not a scout). I think it lasted all of two seconds, and that was the same time that I was trying to convince both them (my friends) and myself that I was going to truly try.
It didn't work. And I just got off the phone with a friend of mine that just reminded me that it didn't work. I was telling her about something else that I got roped into that I really didn't want to do and she said you were going to practice saying no. What happened?
I have a couple of theories as to what happened...1) I caved, 2) I was strong armed into agreeing (no one else was around to deny this fact), 3) It's not built into my DNA to say it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Well that's not entirely true. I can say it. I mean I know the word, I know the meaning and I even have a good idea of when I should use said word. BUT I don't. I don't know why this is the case. I just can't.
Sometimes when someone is asking something of me (and I really don't want to do it), I will stand there smiling at them and listening to everything they have to say. In my head I'm screaming....NO.....NO....just say it already, NO. And when they are done, my mouth opens, my logic and self preservation chant no but I spit out sure. Not just sure, sometimes it's alright, no problem, you bet, I can do that, I would love to help with that and the list goes on and on.
I often find myself wondering why it is that I have so many ways to say yes, yet can't get out no. Not even in it's simplest form. One word, two letters, so easy.
At the end of last school year I told a few of my friends that I was going to work on this issue. And I was. Honest. Scouts honour (never mind the fact I'm not a scout). I think it lasted all of two seconds, and that was the same time that I was trying to convince both them (my friends) and myself that I was going to truly try.
It didn't work. And I just got off the phone with a friend of mine that just reminded me that it didn't work. I was telling her about something else that I got roped into that I really didn't want to do and she said you were going to practice saying no. What happened?
I have a couple of theories as to what happened...1) I caved, 2) I was strong armed into agreeing (no one else was around to deny this fact), 3) It's not built into my DNA to say it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
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